Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Arranged Marriages for the Duggar Daughters?

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With the recent Duggar family happenings such as Jill and Derek Dillard marrying, I found myself wondering recently if the marriages had been semi-arranged. Years ago on this blog, because of the lifestyle of the Duggars, I wrote that arranged marriage or perhaps in this case semi-arranged marriages may be the Quiverful way of the future. Otherwise how do daughters who do not have any opportunity to meet young men become married? I know some cultures arrange marriages, some of these matchings can even come out positive if the couple learns to work together but it is not the norm. Something did seem different from the usual American culture way of falling in love to marry someone.

One thing is very telling about how they met, in that Jill states at the 32 second mark of this video, "I think I am in love with somebody I have never met". When the two meet in Nepal, it is obvious via the body language they barely know each other.  They are meeting to see if a match is possible. Mr. Duggar does allow Jill to approve or disapprove of Derek as a future suitor, so her input is part of this but over all, it is an arranged pairing in my opinion.

In some ways this comes as a relief, in that the Duggar daughters will be able to get their own lives and children outside of being perpetual maids and housecleaners for their mother but ask yourself how your life would have gone if your parents held so much of the responsibility of choosing your future spouse?  Those with kind parents certainly would do far better then those with wicked parents who do not desire the best for their adult children. 

While this match up seems to have ended in a very positive fashion, they seem far more in love then Jessa and her new suitor, these were not two people who "knew" other before hand. It was said that Derek Dillard, was her father's prayer partner, so they decided to meet on Skype while he did missionary work in Nepal. Basically Mr. Duggar took on the job of going out to find husbands for his daughters. This much is obvious. He had to have seen some of the talk online of their pending spinisterhood.

The video continues with them meeting in Nepal to decide on courting. One can tell via the body language these are two who know each other very little. They are near strangers to each other. How well could they have gotten to know each other via the extreme heavy hand of the parents listening in on every Skype conversation over their over 18 year old daughter?

How did Jessa meet Ben?

Mr. Duggar got them together too if you read this on the Duggar [tlc] website. Google "How Jessa Met Ben":

"We met Ben when his family came to visit our church. Afterwards we invited their family over to our home for fellowship, as we often do with guests to our church. I think Ben spotted Jess, but he didn’t go up to her then. We’d met Ben’s parents years ago when we were in the Little Rock area while Jim Bob was serving in the legislature. We visited a church that they attended, so we did know their family in a roundabout way, just a distant friendship. 
During fellowship at our home, Ben and Jim Bob would often sit with the guys and talk about doctrine and the Bible. At one point, Jim Bob said to Ben, "You know, you’ve been bringing up a lot of these truths from the scripture. This is a topic that we’ve actually been talking about in our home and Jessa has really been studying this very thing. You guys would probably enjoy talking about it. So why don’t you text her?" 
It’s so funny. Jim Bob was the initiator. I don’t know if Jim Bob even knew that Ben was really interested in her, but he had already spotted Jessa. They started texting and talking about these scriptures and things just took off. 
A few of our girls have had men come up to them and ask for their phone numbers. And our daughters have always explained to them that if anybody asked for their phone numbers, they would tell them to ask their dad. Then they would give them Jim Bob’s phone number. Sometimes the guy would never call and other times they would, but the girls would quickly let Jim Bob know if there was an interest on their part. Jim Bob is the “no” man."
Obviously if you are a young women in Jessa's position you may consider that marriage is the ticket to your own adult life. For newbies, remember that for the Duggar girls, they must be married to leave home and in the Quiverful/Bill Gothard system remain under the headship of their father for life if they never marry. A woman in that position is going to jump at any chance she can get.

I wonder why Mr. Duggar hasn't found a husband for Jana Duggar yet? I feel sorry for that young lady, her face looks sadder and sadder.


Anonymous said...

Reality shows are the ultimate "selfies."


jl, humble slave of El Elyon.

Bible Believer said...

LOL I agree with you JL

I wonder what the future influence will be of their lives so much in the public view?

How will some feel when the cameras are shut off?

It is the ultimate selfies. You also wonder how many personal life decisions are being made for their viewing audience....the impact of how they think they will appear definitely has to play a role.

Anonymous said...

This all is incredibly unfair to all those involved except the parents. How does a girl back out if she wants to? All is televised and watched. If shy, it would be torture. Check out this article. It is written by someone who came from the courtship culture but has decided that it is a bad idea.

I went to public school and my dad gave me no dating advise at all, but I knew well a couple kids my age that were from this courtship culture and were homeschooled. One rebelled against it all and ran away from home on a greyhound bus at about 19. The other submitted to her father when he rejected her first choice and then later married the man she was arranged with. It really ended badly for her. He was a public figure looking for a sweet, submissive trophy wife and she fit the bill. But he was not a good person at all, both abusive and homosexual but did not wish to be out. After a few children and years of hurt, she finally left.

The Duggars have a huge house and plenty of money. They should quit the show and let their children navigate the awkward dating years without cameras.


Anonymous said...

Jill says it all at the 1:06 mark of the top video. LOL

Bible Believer said...

I agree it is totally unfair. They are basically choosing the husbands and with girls motivated to finally start their adult lives they are grabbing on to whoever their father is offering.

I wonder too how could they back out? It would be torture. The problem I see with this courtship stuff is almost without exception it is expected to lead to marriage.

Is every person suitable as a husband or wife?

Thanks for the article. I do not believe in the concept of parents choosing future spouses. I know this is how it is done in some cultures, but I always liked to think Western culture was more advanced in having marriage be a love match. I am glad that person got out of the system.

I agree the Duggars should let their children navigate the dating and marriage world free of cameras. So much of this seems to be done for the cameras. Part of me even wonders if Mr. Duggar heard of all the talk of his daughters being forever spinisters and decided to get the show on the road by choosing husbands. I still say if the Quiverful movement wants to be honest, is they will have to admit they are already stepping towards arranged marriages like some sects of Orthodox Jews and other cultures.

Yes Jill says it all right there, thanks for pointing that out.

I referred to Quiverful [patriarchy movement] as new American Taliban before and let's think about cultures where arranged marriages are the norm. There are horror stories that come out of that world.

I cannot imagine being married to someone I did not love. My family did not approve of my marriage because he was not a Catholic. If the Duggar ways were mainstream, I would have been packed off to the convent. My father tried to push me into joining the convent so they would "pay for my education".

One can tell these girls are eager to escape the compound and want to start their own families, I find myself thinking they would be willing to marry just about anyone especially in that world where being childless or a spinister has to be the worse thing that could happen to a woman. I think with Jill fortunately Derek seems to be a nice young man and they seem to have hit it off well. With Jessa, I do not think the arranged match has been as fortunate. You can tell she is not "feeling" it, the same way Jill is. We should pray for all those girls. The parents control is unyielding. I do not think a world of having adults have their future spouses chosen by parents is a better world, I see it as legalistic and not biblically driven. What of those with wicked parents? We see girls in the world of Islam being sold off to marry men far older. There are endless abuses that can happen.

Luca said...

BB,why the quiverfull movement is exploited in anti-Christian function?

Anonymous said...

Is there any Scriptural references in the New Testament where marriages should be arranged between a man and a woman? I have not found any so far, but am willing to learn the truth.

There is a woman in my church that has told me on several occasions that we (our culture) should have parents arranging our children's marriages. At first, I thought she was joking until the Sunday morning came when she suggested that one of my sons would be a perfect match for her daughter. Over the years, she has made this remark several times and is quoted "I believe in the process of courtship. I think it is a good idea."

Frankly, I find these conversations and the so called "planting this seed" in our minds very alarming for I do not agree with her. Given the fact, she also is a meddling busybody and is one who causes dissension in the Body of Christ leaving a tornado of destruction in her path, why then, would our family even consider the practice of courtship and arranged marriages?

And when we shared her thoughts with our son, his response was a loud, "No way! There is absolutely no way that I would even consider marrying into that family! No way! No way!" As parents, we got the picture. That wasn't a hard one.

My concern for these young people is the future prospect of the parents still meddling in the affairs of their adult children to the point of misery. And what if the spouses of the Duggar children do not measure up to the standards written on their tablets of stone?

Where is that freedom in Christ Jesus....and at what age does that freedom begin?

Bible Believer said...

I wrote here long ago some Baby Boomer parents seem to be the biggest control freaks on this planet, their children are seen as possessions. I think this is related to the growing wickedness of society and growing narcissism and "self-love". Helicopter parenting seems to be never ending. I have not seen anything in the Bible that says marriages are to be arranged outside a few OT verses. That is scary what that woman was advocating.I am glad your son said "No Way!". I wonder too what happens if the spouses don't measure up to the huge expectations especially in today's economy. One of the future spouses is so young he doesn't even have a secure career. It is scary to see how controlled they all are and how at this late date none have broken away from the system. This is a legalistic system that offers no freedom in Jesus Christ or even normal freedoms an ADULT MAN or WOMAN should have. Notice not only the girls were controlled but so were the young men.

Reminds me of FLDS, they do arranged marriages more overtly, Warren Jeffs would choose who would marry who. This is where the Quiverfuls are heading, they are just less overt about it all.

Anonymous said...

I'm confused by of the comments posted here. Do any of you claim to be born again? What are these thoughts coming from that all of you are giving voice to? How can any one of you object to how these people are conducting their lives? In a world full of immoral perversion IN and out of the so-called Church...seriously?! really?! These are God's people and His children and if any of you claim yourselves to be of the same ilk, then SHAME ON YOU. In accordance to his word you are committing sin by thinking such thoughts, let alone uttering them aloud. Don't call yourself a Christian if you think you can justify criticizing a brother or sister in Christ, especially when there is no merit. I believe these people are a breath of fresh air in the midst of all the garbage that is being televised and I choose to applaud their efforts. I see ABSOLUTELY NOTHING wrong with how this man is choosing to lead His home. In case your's entirely biblical. If he's chosen to televise it maybe it's to educate the ignoramus population who are choosing to trash their lives to hell. I did not have a Christian upbringing and prior to my conversion I lived such a trashy life, so I know from where I speak. You all need to repent because God's word declare that you will be called into account for every word (thoughtless or otherwise) uttered. Just thought I bring that thought out for pondering.

Created In His Image said...

Are any of you born again? If you claim to be, you need to repent for all the nonsensical conjecturing that has been posted here. Frankly, none of you have an argument to stand on. There is nothing unbiblical with the way this family has chosen to conduct their lives. If anything it's bring glory to the Father, which is more than can be said by all those who posted these hypocrital comments. You all need to repent. Every thing that has been stated here is utter and complete garbage and all of you need to repent. Remember that the Word declares that we are all going to have to give an account for EVERY word we utter, and most especially anything that denigrates the character of a child of the Most High. Go ahead and give it some thought...

Bible Believer said...

Arranged marriage is biblical?

Can you give us the verses on that {NT}?

I hope the Duggar daughters find this blog, and they are led to question Bill Gothard and the whole Quiverful religious system their family is in.

Refusing amorality and modern degenerate lifestyles doesn't mean the answer is to run to a cult and false religion.

I don't like seeing any young adults controlled and harmed emotionally and otherwise.

You talk of their "freedom" to conduct their lives, well one of my points is that there is very little of that for the young ADULT children.

I like the Duggars, God bless them. In Jill's case, perhaps God gave mercy in allowing the person to be selected to be a good man. In Jessa's case we will see as the man in question matures.

However there is nothing wicked in questioning ANY false religious system especially one embroiled in false Dominionism.

I almost wanted to write, Jim Bob is that you? :p

Anonymous said...

"You all need to repent" because we do not live into your man-made standards, huh? Yeah, I've been there, done that, tried to fit in to please men. I was NOT trying to please God by wearing a certain style or length of dress. It was strictly to please man. All the while, I was neglecting to apply the fruits of the Spirit and Scripture reading to my life. Clearly, my skirt did not make me godly. Get over your silly made-up criteria and start living for the Lord. It's harder than you think, there is more to it than making sure a guy doesn't lust. Most of the ideas in your cult are not in the Bible like not having drums in the church--Not in the Bible. I grew up hearing that if it makes you want to tap your foot, it is of the devil. What a made of bunch of bologna. There was dancing and rejoicing in the Bible. Talk about adding to or taking away from Scripture. Every one of these pastors I have ever known has an agenda. They might start out meaning well, but they are seeker-friendly and don't realize it. They seek a certain type of follower, the kind that will not verify their opinions with the Bible.

Anonymous said...

Dear Anon @ 9/5/14 at 7:13 PM

I tell you the truth, my words were not idle. Matthew 6:1-2 is the foundation upon the words I spoke.


jl, humble slave of El Elyon.

Anonymous said...

Because this is on TV, these girls are being used as merchandise.
That being said,some people who have married for love, who thought they were in love, have gotten divorced. And some people in arranged marriages have stayed together and found love.
Also arranged marriages have existed in this country and in europe through to the early 1900's; especially among the upper classes. They just didn't call it that..
Maybe they just want to honor their parents. I'm not saying their parents should be micromanaging their lives like this, but I have also seen parents enforce career choices for their kids which is also really detrimental.
I also agree with anon that this seems like a sort of gossip, and a taking over where the media left off..

Anonymous said...

"Don't call yourself a Christian if you think you can justify criticizing a brother or sister in Christ, especially when there is no merit."

Nonsense. Christians can judge Christians. (1 Cor. 6:5) “I speak to your shame. Is it so, that there is not a wise man among you? no, not one that shall be able to judge between his brethren?”

(1 Cor. 2:15-16). “But he that is spiritual judgeth all things, yet he himself is judged of no man. For who hath known the mind of the Lord, that he may instruct him? But we have the mind of Christ.”

The requirement for judging, is not to be hypocritical.

Even Paul and Peter argued.

Christians do and will have disagreements.

Anonymous said...


"Anonymous said...
I'm confused by of the comments posted here."

I'm with this comment.

Aka Alert said...

I hope these young women (and men) can find the grace and freedom in Jesus Christ to escape the intense mind control imposed by their parents and the distasteful Quiverfull movement.

Religious legalism is the opposite of true saving faith. Having a very moral appearance and stridently adhering to rules and so-called values does not benefit the souls of the people involved. It is a different, but very real way of “trashing your life to hell”.

It could be every bit as bad as practicing outright immorality and loose living. People involved in legalism are in danger of being self-deluded in their “goodness” and congratulate themselves on righteous living.

Legalism is hellish, and I will appeal to the Lord Jesus Christ and the whole chapter of Matthew 23 for that in context.

But for my point here, the men and leaders of this arch-conservative movement “bind heavy burdens and grievous to be borne, and lay them on men's [and also their daughters’] shoulders; but they themselves will not move them with one of their fingers. (Matt 23:4 KJV)

Anonymous said...

Aka Alert said it very well! The Pharisee thought he was living the best way a person could live, but the Lord was not pleased.

Bible Believer said...

I pray for all the Duggars that they leave the system of legalism and bondage and enter into a real relationship with Jesus Christ. Following a long list of rules is not going to save anyone and I agree Aka Alert, seeking extreme moral appearances does not mean someone is saved. This sadly is what the world thinks of Christianity falsely. I agree that many of the self righteous are in spiritual danger from thinking they are upright, and moral especially compared to the non-"Christian" masses but they can be in even more spiritual danger thinking themselves saved when they are not and in the faith when they are not due to these outer trappings. I agree the men and leaders bind heavy burdens to their daughter's shoulders.

Born Hellan said...

I wish all the best for their new life!! Even I also believe that there is no harm in inter culture relationships and you know not even common people do inter culture marriage but also there are so many mixed celebrities who do marriage. So it’s just a love nothing else.